tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
