Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
