Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
