I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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