I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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