You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
