I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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