i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
