It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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