she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
