I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
