Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
