How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
