but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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