Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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