i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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