Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
