grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
