Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Randomize
