Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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