Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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