Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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