Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
