she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
