i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
