Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
