I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
