I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
