When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
