Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
