We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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