If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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