The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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