You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
