So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
