my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
