So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
