Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
