All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
