so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
