The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
His nipple licking is glorious
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