I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
