Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
is it fun? or sober?
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