Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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