sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
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Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
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Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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