If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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