went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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