but the lizard people decide everything anyway
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
