just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
