my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
