I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
