Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
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His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
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I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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