i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
