Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
