I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
i've created a new STD.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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