I swear god or herbie drove my car home
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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