I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
