I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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