Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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