I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I can't turn off my feet"
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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