I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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