I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
