I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
