Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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